I Want It to Hurt Like Hell…

It has been awhile. But a combination of Jordan’s comment and my strange moodiness has made me want to post.

I’m not any stronger than I was nearly three months ago when i said i was leaving for a little bit. I might be worse. I think i am more manipulative, a better liar. And my heart is obscured by doubt. And I wish that I could know that He cared. Because I just feel incredibly lost. And moody. And angry. And so unlike the person I want to be.

When I was walking here, I had all these words and thoughts shooting across my brain, things to write and share. But i can’t. I still can’t. I’m too disconnected. It’s a numbness. It should be a all-consuming, mind-blowing pain. It should be the kindof thing that makes you wish for death. My pain is far too quiet, far too insidious. Give me time and maybe I’ll find a way to express it all…

Uncertainty

I haven’t been able to get myself to blog in what feels like forever. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve started three that sit in “drafts” unfinished.

How can I tell you who I am when I have no idea?

I keep thinking about Jordan telling to come back stronger…impossible.

I don’t know when i’ll be strong. Maybe you can stick with me through this mess…That’s what I need people to stick with me.

Waiting for Him

Hold My Heart by Tenth Avenue North

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long ’til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I’m on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I’m on my knees, Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin’ heart?
One light, that’s all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You’re everything You say You are
Won’t You come close and hold my heart

I’ve been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there’s no other way, I’m done asking why.
Cuz I’m on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I’m on my knees, Father will you run to me?

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin’ heart?
One light, that’s all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You’re everything You say You are
Won’t You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can’t sleep but I’ll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin’ heart?
One light, that’s all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You’re everything You say You are
Won’t You come close and hold my heart.

Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart.

One Day What’s Lost Can Be Found…

Stand in the Rain
A Superchick Song

She never slows down.
She doesn’t know why but she knows that when she’s all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won’t turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won’t make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she’ll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she’s running from wants to give up and lie down.

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day, whats lost can be found

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

Realizations…

It comes in waves. The pain of it all. Sometimes I feel almost normal, whatever that is. I keep blogging despite what Susan says. Maybe it’s a bit of an addiction.

I kept listening to Stand in the Rain while I was standing out in the cold waiting for Patty to pick me up for church. And it made me feel as if I could stand through all this. That I could lean into some inner strength or more acurately I can lean into the strength of the Source, and what can be better than that… I mean His strength is infinite. I just keep talling myself that He really does care and that He is listening.

Well, today is Christmas. And it’s probably the hardest Christmas thus far in my short life. But Jenn letting me go is forcing me to stand on my own two feet, to weather the storm. I’ll be ok.

Nineteen Stars

Just reconnecting with how much i like Meg and Dia, the band that sings this song. This song reminds me of J. I miss her, but she’s doing what’s best for her. But anyways, give this song a listen, especially the acoustic version. The lyrics are utter perfection for me at this time…

Don’t tell me you’re done for
Don’t need to hear you’re done for
You can tell me what you are running from
I need you more than you need you
I can see you’re really really running
Can I ask you where you gonna run to
And you think you’re really really funny
Well I don’t think you’re funny as you do

We all feel like we’re breaking sometime
But I won’t give you up tonight

Stay awake, stay awake
Survive
I’ve got nineteen stars that I
Give your name tonight

And I wanna scream, wanna scream your name.
Star light, star bright can save
You’re my wish tonight

Don’t tell me it doesn’t matter
I’ll tell you what matters
Bare feet in the summer
Open windows at night
You think that no one needs you

You have nothing to see through
Well I needed you.
Don’t I count?
Lets fight.

Show me anger
Fierce fists clutching onto air.
Show me anything.
Just show me you care.

Stay awake, stay awake
Survive
I’ve got nineteen stars that I
Give your name tonight

I wanna scream, wanna scream your name
Star light, Star bright can save
You’re my wish tonight

No one can catch me
The way that you catch me
The way that you keep me when I’m out of sight
What if I need you
When I can’t see you
I’m running out of life

No one can catch me
The way that you catch me
The way that you keep me when I’m out of time
What if I need you
When I can’t see you
I’m running out of life

Please
Stay awake, stay awake
Survive
I’ve got nineteen stars that I
Give your name tonight

And I wanna scream, wanna scream your name
Star light, star bright can save
You’re my wish
You’re my wish my wish
You’re my wish tonight

Tis’ the season to be jolly

I don’t know if this will ever feel ok. My heart hurts a lot. And I feel pretty sick. I want to cry and scream and call you and say the things that I know will hurt. Because if i am hurting this bad then you need to be hurting as well. I can’t believe you just said goodbye. I can’t believe it was so easy to walk away from always…

I know you don’t need my dysfunction in your life. And I know you are doing what’s good for you. I just feel abandoned again. Why let anybody in? Why do we always talk about the importance of relationship when all we do is tear them apart? I’m fucking livid. I want to get drunk, completely wasted…or something destructive.

UGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i’ll never be okay with this, with this total ripping apart. Everybody kept telling me that running away wasn’t going to help anything. You even said that once if I recall correctly, but here we are…or I should say here I am and you…you exist somewhere out there in the world… I refuse to fucking believe that this is what God wants. And maybe that makes me a bad Christian or whatever…it probably does.

Leave…just like every other well meaning asshole in my life…you were never interchangeable…you made me feel ok in my own skin. You loved me for me, even all my bullshit.

I feel like a failure. I feel like a fucking failure. I messed up and I got too close and i let you see the rawest, ugliest parts of me. I let you touch my scars.

Why does it seem as if I’m the only one apologizing for all this shit? Why am I the fucking villain? I know, I made myself the villain. Thats what you would say. that you never said that, that you don’t think that. And maybe in my self-absorption, I cannot realize how much this must hurt you too.

I feel like I’m paying for every time we were close…paying with a pound of flesh and a quart of blood. The first time you touched my scars. The day on the bench. All the times I listed to the past. All the times you fell into my misery. The weekend with your family. The day with mine. Every always and I promise.

God, do whats right for you!!! Don’t ever talk to me again; don’t text me stupid shit like Merry Christmas… don’t come back to biola…I’ve never thought you were more of a coward than in this moment. And I know saying that makes me a manipulative bitch…tell your dad he’s right.

I don’t want you to be fucking reading this. You don’t need to hear all my fucked up rage. I mean this stupid ass words now, in the heat of the moment… but I won’t mean them always… but nyou shouldn’t see them anyway…You’re not allowed to read my blog, remember?

So I’ll go out with my sister and pretend like my heart doesn’t feel as if it has been blended. And I’ll go to the Christmas Eve service, and I’ll be happy for Patty. And I’ll wake up tomorrow and I’ll pretend that it doesn’t take all my strength to just get out of bed. And maybe if I just keep pretending, it’ll eventually take root. I’ll stop feeling like shit. I’ll be able to have perspective. I’ll see that you really are doing the right thing. Even if it means the end of our friendship…I just have never felt so thrown away, and that feels like shit…but this is my fault; i put you through too much hell…

well i love you…whatever that means and whatever thats worth…I’ll see you in the next life…

Identity…

I talked to Susan finally yesterday. She kept telling me things like I have the control and that I can do this. It made me angry initially. I wanted her to feel sorry for me. To tell me that i was allowed to wallow. She told me that not using my “resources” was unacceptable. That if I had the opportunity to hang out with friends, I needed to take them, even if I thought curling up and dying was a better option.

These anti-depressants are actually working. I feel the fog lifting. I feel like I can actually do this. “This Morning I Woke Up Afraid I Was Going To Live”… Talking to Val after talking to Susan was just what I needed. It was just like old times with her. We actually laughed at non-depressing stuff. We talked about boys. Maybe life isn’t just a mess. maybe I can do this. Maybe this isn’t the end of the world.

Susan says that she thinks blogging is counterproductive. That it doesn’t really help me. So I am going to take her advice or at least try. Try to journal instead. I’ll wean myself slowly or something…I mean until I can have a handle on me… thats why this break is important…I am supposed to find my identity…

Citizen X

I have terrible cramps, and I feel as if all the medicine I took is stuck in my throat. I can’t even be properly depressed because the bupropion is actually working. I’m too functional to curl up and forget that I exist.

I talked to you last night. It was so awkward, and at first all you did was ramble and fill up the silence with the mundane. And then we got to the bottom of it, I guess. Well, not the real bottom. You told me what he said. “she can be very manipulative, and she knows that.” I hate that fucking word. MANIPULATIVE. I wish Susan would have never said it. I wish that I wasn’t. I wish that that statement was a lie. I wish I could abolish that word from my vocabulary? I wish I could abolish it from my life. My one great character flaw, right?

I don’t want to manipulate you, that’s why i need you to not be reading this. I mean a part me hopes you won’t listen to me and you’ll keep reading anyway, indulging in my misery along with me. But I’m supposed to be stronger than this. I do not want to be your cage…

I can’t believe he tried to call Susan. Am I that girl? The crazy girl that people need to call her therapist to tell them to do a better job… that her crazy is spilling everywhere. That they are not doing a good enough job to control their patient…I know I am being incredibly dramatic and probably extremely ridiculous…but i can’t help it at the moment. I’d rather own that girl than any other girl.

Ugh…

I felt better after our talk. But its that kind of better that I feel guilty about. I feel like him…like I should be banished from your life too. Like I should be put to an end too. Gosh, why do you have these kind of people in your life. Why do we flock to you? In all our unhealthiness, in all our brokenness…why do we stain you with our sickness?

I don’t know where we go from here. I don’t know how to do the right thing. All I can ever think is how much I need Susan, and how much I wish she would call me back. I’ve left her at least ten messages since I’ve been home. Isn’t that sick? Leaving message after message… Do I even belong at Biola in this state? Well it doesn’t matter if I belong because there is no other place I can possibly go.

The more I read Prozac Nation, the more I can relate to Elizabeth. She has atypical depression, which is drepression that lasts for a very long time, years…and the person can function in it but they just walk under the fog of it all the time. They have their moments of happiness… I don’t know if I have atypical depression, sometimes I wish somebody would just diagnose me. So that I could have something tangible. Depression is a ridiculous disease. Sometimes I feel as if it’s all in my head. I just made up this sickness so that I could wallow.

This whole breaking point with us makes me want to let my whole life break. to just let it fall apart for real so that I can start rebuilding. Maybe that’s why I’m calling Susan so much. Maybe I think if we could just talk that we could fix me.

I don’t want be Citizen X to your family. I have always been that nice girl, the sweet girl, the quiet one. Now I’m the manipulative bitch…ha, my life, right? When I think it can’t get any worse, I get a problem that has so many layers, that is so multi-dimensional, that I don’t even know where to begin to try to fix it.

Well, thats it for now…

Numb…

Blogging is the only thing that makes sense at the moment. Well, blogging and reading Prozac Nation. I wanted to text you today. Yes, I’m back to only addressing you but I hope this is a letter that will never reach you. I can’t hold back here or try not to express the pain that I feel. I miss you terribly. I have no right too. But I do and I know we’ll never be friends the way we used to be. And that the way it should be. We can’t get twisted in the metal of this codependency. Your dad is right.

I keep calling Susan. She’s the only one I can think to call. Jon called me today. It was nice to hear his voice. I actually almost cried. He doesn’t understand all of this. And I’m not very good at explaining it coherently. I think I understand it. I told my mom that I wanted to go back to Biola early, that I needed Susan. I feel like I need to cling to her. Clinging to her is safe in a way; she’ll never get sucked into my destruction. I feel like a hopeless case. Like I just spread ruin to the people I love. My mom’s worried…I appreciate i guess…she’s trying. All I want to do is curl up in a dark coner and scream until my throat is raw…or remain silent until I lose my voice.

I want to text you, but the right thing to do is not to text you. To let you find your way back to sanity without worrying about me. Each minute I withstand this need to text you, to hear your voice, maybe it will make me stronger… I still love you a lot, maybe I can figure out how to love you the right way…

I need to hear you say “It’ll be okay. Everything will work out just fine.”