Identity…
I talked to Susan finally yesterday. She kept telling me things like I have the control and that I can do this. It made me angry initially. I wanted her to feel sorry for me. To tell me that i was allowed to wallow. She told me that not using my “resources” was unacceptable. That if I had the opportunity to hang out with friends, I needed to take them, even if I thought curling up and dying was a better option.
These anti-depressants are actually working. I feel the fog lifting. I feel like I can actually do this. “This Morning I Woke Up Afraid I Was Going To Live”… Talking to Val after talking to Susan was just what I needed. It was just like old times with her. We actually laughed at non-depressing stuff. We talked about boys. Maybe life isn’t just a mess. maybe I can do this. Maybe this isn’t the end of the world.
Susan says that she thinks blogging is counterproductive. That it doesn’t really help me. So I am going to take her advice or at least try. Try to journal instead. I’ll wean myself slowly or something…I mean until I can have a handle on me… thats why this break is important…I am supposed to find my identity…
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