It feels as if everything will work out just fine. I think that the money for next semester will fall into place without any of my hair-brained schemes being inacted. And my roommate has turned out to be…refreshingly real. And relatable. She’s not the perfect little Biola girl that I thought she would be. She’s a little broken… or maybe I should just say that she’s human.
I’m glad that I’m back here. i’m glad that I moved out… None of this is the easiest thing I’ve ever done but it feels better…like I’m walking toward hope or something…
I really want to go back to therapy next semester. I just feel all these loose, unresovled ends in my life and I want some answers… And i want to be doing things that are healthy for me.
So…
On January 1st, I almost cut. After a year of sobriety, I almost ruined it…ruined everything… There was just all these words…all these false images…and they had already decided who I was and what i was doing and there was no room for me to defend myself…or to even be honest…There was just condemnation. and that hurt. Because it wasn’t just that they were doing this but they tried to act as if they cared. They tried to convince me to trust them when all along they were ridiculing me, scorning me. The hypocrisy of it all nearly unwound me. I sat in the tub with the razor in my right hand and for the briefest of moments none of my logic or good intentions mattered. i just wanted to scourge the pain from my mind, from my body, with the sharp edge of the razor. But I didn’t. i argued with myself. I pleaded. And in the end my sanity won out…
I hate being that close to destruction…and I hadn’t been that intimate with that side of me in a very long time…
There is this chasm between me and God…and i need to traverse it but I just don’t know how… but i don’t want to remain where I am at…in this place of spiritual numbnesss…apathy…i want more than that…i guess i’m afraid to give myself up again…because it is always a matter of surrender…
I guess there are a multitude of things i need to deal with…but i guess the difference is that I have hope…so much hope…
