It doesn’t go away…
Because it feels as if I have no one…as if I belong to no one…it’s quite a bit easier to blog often. Blogging was bad for me a year ago. It was a dangerous thread that tied my heart to J’s. Now it feels like something that can help me hold it together, a tool I can use to keep from coming unhinged…
I feel alone. I feel fatherless, motherless…I feel empty.
I was talking to J about it earlier today and she said “I know…it feels like nobody cares about what you do”…I know it doesn’t sound profound. And when she said it, I just took it as just a statement, a non-entity really…but it must have struck something in my soul because it got stuck there. And later when I was walking to the cafe…walking from the library where I had studied alone…to the cafe where I had plans with no one…plans that only included a lonely table in a crowded room…i felt the weight of her words…Nobody cared…No one cared if I ate…no one cared if I turned back at walked to my room to go wallow in my bed…no one would care if I cut…nobody knew where I was…and it was overwhelming…
So I told myself…”now Monique, you need to lean on God. He cares…stop this sadness” But then I realized that God really did care. And He understood. He had made me this way, wired me to feel this incredible loneliness…put this crazy need for intimacy in me so that I would seek others, and ultimately Him. He was okay with my sadness. He was more than okay. He had been the mastermind behind it, wiring me to feel its depths so that I would recognize my need…for Him.
Now, all that sounds great and wonderful. But it doesn’t keep my body warm and my pillow dry at night. I am overwhelmed by this sense of…futility… I feel like these things I pursue are futile because they are not filling this hole.
J let me belong to her. She made herself my refuge…no, my home… She loved me. She cared for me. She wrapped her life around mine.
And not that’s gone. And there is this hungry void left in its place. And it’s gnawing at me. And the only thing I can feed it is my knowledge and my unhappiness. It is left unsated.
I don’t want to face my reality anymore. I want to trade it in for something better. I want to be loved and needed and wanted. I don’t want to be scenery…
sometimes all I can say is…
When will it ever be okay?
