Some things have changed… but so much remains the same…
It’s been like 2 years since the last time I posted. I perused some of my previous posts and it made me feel stripped naked. I was so raw when I wrote. I don’t remember being that incredibly naked and broken. I had to turn away from some of the posts; the vulnerability too much for even me. It’s weird, but true.
My mom died. In October. I live alone now… In her apartment. It’s depressing to say the least. I took care of her before she died. And there’s so much pain there that I’m not willing to explore yet… It’s too much to open up. But she died. She died. And my emotions concerning the whole thing are…abundant…
I fell in love with J. And she fell in love with me. Or something like love. Reading the posts about our earlier relationship was crazy. It was so much purer back then. So simple. I mean, granted our relationship has always been a mess. But… It was different back then… More innocent maybe. And now, I’ve given her my all, only to have her turn away. And I think reading over the posts from two years ago makes me realize I do kind of hate her now. I hate her for making me love her, for making me trust her, and then turning her back on me. I hate her for making me feel so deeply. I feel as if I am irrevocably hers. As if my heart will never recover from this…
I haven’t cut in three years. Maybe that’s why some of the old posts are so uncomfortable for me to read. They are so graphic ad full of pain. I’m still full of pain but I don’t use a razor to spell the pain out on my flesh.
My life remains to be this whirlwind of fear and turmoil and loss. That hasn’t really changed. And honestly I don’t know if it ever will…
