My mom died. In October. I live alone now… In her apartment. It’s depressing to say the least. I took care of her before she died. And there’s so much pain there that I’m not willing to explore yet… It’s too much to open up. But she died. She died. And my emotions concerning the whole thing are…abundant…

I fell in love with J. And she fell in love with me. Or something like love. Reading the posts about our earlier relationship was crazy. It was so much purer back then. So simple. I mean, granted our relationship has always been a mess. But… It was different back then… More innocent maybe. And now, I’ve given her my all, only to have her turn away. And I think reading over the posts from two years ago makes me realize I do kind of hate her now. I hate her for making me love her, for making me trust her, and then turning her back on me. I hate her for making me feel so deeply. I feel as if I am irrevocably hers. As if my heart will never recover from this…

I haven’t cut in three years. Maybe that’s why some of the old posts are so uncomfortable for me to read. They are so graphic ad full of pain. I’m still full of pain but I don’t use a razor to spell the pain out on my flesh.

My life remains to be this whirlwind of fear and turmoil and loss. That hasn’t really changed. And honestly I don’t know if it ever will…

I saw Sherlock Holmes last night. I really, really enjoyed it. It was fun. Now I am in the library i have been here for nearly forty-five minutes and i haven’t even started it yet… ugh… I need some motivation.

I feel like I am just going through the motions. My life feels bereft of real joy and meaning. I am fading at the edges.

But I shouldn’t dwell on my emotional plight right now. I need to work. Because I have blogged instead of working before and it ended very messily…

So i took a chance, I went out on a limb, and gravity brought me crashing back down to earth. (I know way too many cliches in that sentence; what can i say, it’s late) I should have known better than to want something.I should just be content. Sometimes it feels like I’m destined to be utterly alone…And, guess what, I don’t like it one bit.

I don’t like who I am right now. I wish she would go away. I wish I could hide under a rock. I wish I could cry.

I’m so tired…

I wish I could just smile and be happy…

I wish I had someone who would hold me, be stern with me, kiss me, talk to me, look at me…be with me…

I don’t know…maybe I am making no sense at the moment…I feel this gnawing pain (my loneliness) and this persistent stinging (rejection). and I would rather not feel either. I feel like I made a fool of myself…

GAH!!!!

I want to spend time with my family. That may seem counterintuitive. But I need to feel connected to something, someone…

I just feel like I am in this weird zone in life and I don’t know when I am going to transition into something more fulfilling…

I thought I wanted to blog; but I can’t find the words inside of me tonight…

I feel alone. I feel fatherless, motherless…I feel empty.

I was talking to J about it earlier today and she said “I know…it feels like nobody cares about what you do”…I know it doesn’t sound profound. And when she said it, I just took it as just a statement, a non-entity really…but it must have struck something in my soul because it got stuck there. And later when I was walking to the cafe…walking from the library where I had studied alone…to the cafe where I had plans with no one…plans that only included a lonely table in a crowded room…i felt the weight of her words…Nobody cared…No one cared if I ate…no one cared if I turned back at walked to my room to go wallow in my bed…no one would care if I cut…nobody knew where I was…and it was overwhelming…

So I told myself…”now Monique, you need to lean on God. He cares…stop this sadness” But then I realized that God really did care. And He understood. He had made me this way, wired me to feel this incredible loneliness…put this crazy need for intimacy in me so that I would seek others, and ultimately Him. He was okay with my sadness. He was more than okay. He had been the mastermind behind it, wiring me to feel its depths so that I would recognize my need…for Him.

Now, all that sounds great and wonderful. But it doesn’t keep my body warm and my pillow dry at night. I am overwhelmed by this sense of…futility… I feel like these things I pursue are futile because they are not filling this hole.

J let me belong to her. She made herself my refuge…no, my home… She loved me. She cared for me. She wrapped her life around mine.

And not that’s gone. And there is this hungry void left in its place. And it’s gnawing at me. And the only thing I can feed it is my knowledge and my unhappiness. It is left unsated.

I don’t want to face my reality anymore. I want to trade it in for something better. I want to be loved and needed and wanted. I don’t want to be scenery…

sometimes all I can say is…

When will it ever be okay?

But, of course, this isn’t all about my interpersonal conflict with Liz. It’s this overall state I’m in. I feel so thirsty for steadfast affection. I want a family. A real family. I just feel disconnection when it comes to the word. I want a place where I feel at home. And I don’t have that. And it pains me.

I’ve been working really hard when it comes to all this school stuff. I’ve been trying to do my thing, you know, immerse myself in my studies. And all that just feels empty right now.

I know my life has meaning and purpose. I know that my God is shaping it. But I feel downtrodden today. I guess this is just one of those times when you paste on a smile and keep going. Pull yourself up by the bootstraps.

I guess I just want to feel more connected to people than just through a facebook status, a twitter update, or a readerless blog…

Sometimes people are so completely selfish and self-absorbed. They wallow in their own pain and pretend like what they do doesn’t hurt anyone else. I’ve been there. i’ve been that person. And it’s sobering to realize how detrimental behaving that way can be.

And now I’m sitting here obsessed with these problems when I need to be completing my psych homework. I guess i wish that people could realize that the world does not revolve around them, that other people have issues and problems and life in general that have nothing to do with them.

gr.. i need this anxious heart to melt away…

I’m glad that I’m back here. i’m glad that I moved out… None of this is the easiest thing I’ve ever done but it feels better…like I’m walking toward hope or something…

I really want to go back to therapy next semester. I just feel all these loose, unresovled ends in my life and I want some answers… And i want to be doing things that are healthy for me.

So…

On January 1st, I almost cut. After a year of sobriety, I almost ruined it…ruined everything… There was just all these words…all these false images…and they had already decided who I was and what i was doing and there was no room for me to defend myself…or to even be honest…There was just condemnation. and that hurt. Because it wasn’t just that they were doing this but they tried to act as if they cared. They tried to convince me to trust them when all along they were ridiculing me, scorning me. The hypocrisy of it all nearly unwound me. I sat in the tub with the razor in my right hand and for the briefest of moments none of my logic or good intentions mattered. i just wanted to scourge the pain from my mind, from my body, with the sharp edge of the razor. But I didn’t. i argued with myself. I pleaded. And in the end my sanity won out…

I hate being that close to destruction…and I hadn’t been that intimate with that side of me in a very long time…

There is this chasm between me and God…and i need to traverse it but I just don’t know how… but i don’t want to remain where I am at…in this place of spiritual numbnesss…apathy…i want more than that…i guess i’m afraid to give myself up again…because it is always a matter of surrender…

I guess there are a multitude of things i need to deal with…but i guess the difference is that I have hope…so much hope…

He is faceless, traceless
One source of my burning bitterness
He touched her skin
Plunging them both into this illicit sin
He touched her soul
Bearing its price, its heavy toll
He warmed her bed
Relishing each word she said
He spilled his seed inside of her
The breaking of his sheath did not deter
His hurried touch and exploring kiss
Plunging them further into this pleasurable abyss

Breathing heavily, he clutched her hair
He pulled away, in denial of what they shared
He had used her and abused her
Indulging in the riches that were not his to plunder
She wasn’t his to keep
He left the crumpled bills in a heap

She was accustomed to this; she was worn
This life was her constant thorn
No escape, no way out
This was her purpose, there was no doubt

Hands shaking, palms sweating, she let the liquid flow
Inside this cross lay the evidence of the life that would grow
Her womb filled with this unfamiliarity
If only there was certainty, clarity
Nine months of poverty and sobriety
If only these things could produce piety
Swollen and alone, sterile and cold
Is this the way it was meant to unfold?

She was dark and lovely, skin the color of warm honey
She was worth more than gold, not meant to be bought with man’s money
Her fragile body, her tiny fingers
These motherly feelings, they linger
Empty bed, blanket clutched to her breast
Her own cowardice, she came to detest

It was a face that he could easily recall
The love that he had stolen that fall
Her eyes were different but still known
Oh, the seed that he had sown
Had it flourished and grown into this
Was she the result of his unethical tryst?

A touch, a soft word
This couldn’t be, it was absurd
But the truth stared him in the face
Alight with love, softened by God’s grace
She was his, the flesh of his flesh
From the beginning, their lives had been enmeshed

Father, how I have longed for you
Hoped for you, dreamed of you
In my imagination, I saw your smile
My dreams would be realized if only I waited awhile
And here you are finally, standing before me
I drink you in; you are all I can see

Tears stream down my warm cheeks
In this darkness, the light is what I seek
Another dream, my heart patters in dejection
How I have longed for your affection
But I am resigned to know you only in the pitch of night
Because for you, I am out of mind, out of sight.

She wasn’t used to his attention
In his presence, she felt the tension
Of what he wanted her to give
This was not the life she chose to live
But loneliness was the only other option
And he was the only bidder at this auction

He touched her face
Amused at her enjoyment of his embrace
He laid her onto his well-made bed
The fire was raging, his lust was fed
He drunk in her nudity
Disregarding her innate beauty

She lay exposed and bare
Cringing under his unfamiliar touch, his assessing stare
How should she react?
Was his love proven, was it a fact?
She prayed that this was the beginning
To a love that they would share with no ending

She was soft, nubile
Her body was his to defile
His gentle touch grew rough
It would only be done when he had had enough
He held her down as she squirmed
Relishing in the fact that she would be filled with his sperm

She stifled a scream as his grip grew harder
She had asked for this, no time to play martyr
She grabbed his shoulders, pretending to like it
He forced her back down, willing her to submit
He slammed himself against her vulnerability
It was done, it was over, she had given him her virginity

He lay on top of her, breathing heavily
“I feel like I stole your soul” he quipped cleverly
He rolled off of her onto his back
“Get up, go pee” he said full of tact
He slapped her ass as she retreated
Laughing at the way he had triumphed, she was defeated

In the bathroom, she stood at the sink
She had finally crossed this brink
From childhood to womanhood
Her pleasure should be understood
But the overwhelming emptiness still remained
And worse yet she was stained

He sat on the couch full of contentment
He knew it would grow, her resentment
But he was totally self possessed
Cool, calm, and collected, she would grow to detest
Everything he was and what he represented
But he was used to this, it didn’t affect him, he pretended

She pasted on a fake smile
Her feet freezing against the cold tile
The bed was empty, he was gone
Was this how it would be, she was alone
She found him on the couch, reading a magazine
So far, the most absurd thing she had seen

He would take her home, he longed for solitude
Not for these pressing questions, the ensuing feud
He had gotten all he desired
His conscience was clear at what had transpired
He dropped her off in front of the dark house
Her hopes of their future, he would douse

Bitterness and fury warred inside of her
His true feelings, she had come to infer
She crumpled under the weight of their sin
Against his ploys, there was no way she could defend
Her worth was wrapped up in this experience
But his love would never reach her, there was too much interference

She curled up in a ball on her bed
Is this where her sure steps had led?
To depression and disaster
Destroyed by the master
Of deception and lies
Of hatred and unethical ties

She cried out to the One who had promised to hear
She fell at His feet, full of fear
But her trepidation could no longer keep her
Chained to this mess from the devil’s beaker
Oh, the freedom that she longed for, she sought
From the hands of the Master, it was her life He had bought

Beloved, you are mine, and you were never his
To possess and to plunder, and I promise you this
That I will hold you through this mess
And this action has in no way made you less
Beloved, you are mine, and mine fully
Not any selfish man’s to sully

I’ll give you back what you have lost
It does not matter the line that you’ve crossed
I know the heart of this matter, the core
And I’ll make you new, better than before
And his sin upon you I will avenge
Vengeance is mine, so don’t try for revenge

Just hold tight to what you know
And I will protect you from the foe
Lean on me and I will love you
The intimacy you seek will ensue
From my hands and mine only
And I will ease those feelings when you are lonely